Often times I think I have it all together. Life is busy, it’s a little crazy running from one activity to the next, but I can handle it. I expect myself to handle it and I don’t take no or failure as an option – at least not lightly.
What defines the bottom? The bottom of your teaching career? The bottom of your world? The bottom of your struggle to live up to others’ expectations? The bottom of your struggle to actually live up to your own expectations?
Well, I think I’ve hit it.
My ninth grade classroom is absolute chaos and I’m teaching through the storm. My seniors are acting up and becoming too chatty. My tenth graders are losing interest in Macbeth. My juniors are still waiting for something to happen so that they can whine and complain about it and for me to let them. My sleep is low. My energy is low. My happiness is low. And on the other hand, my stress level is through the roof. Absolutely everything, from issues with friends, to soccer, to teaching, to finding a job – it all seems completely out of control.
So today when the wall finally hit – literally – I broke down. I’m not that strong. I put up this front, this idea that I have it all together (which I hope that I usually do), but not today. Not this afternoon. I lost it. I hit the bottom.
Both my cooperating teachers and my supervising teacher are disappointed in what I am doing. To the point that Anne is close to actually taking over the class, but she doesn’t want. I’ve let them walk all over me. I have not done my part. I have not been the teacher that I deserve to be. That AHS deserves. That Anne and Kristin deserve, but most of all, that each and every one of my students in all four of my classes deserve. I screwed up. Classroom management is not my thing. I can’t keep the students quiet, I can’t keep them focused, and now it’s seriously interfering with the education present in the classroom. It’s not that I did not know about it – I did. It’s not that Anne and Kristin did not warn me – they did. It’s not that I did not know what to do – I did.
The problem – I didn’t do anything about it.
So here I sit, at the bottom.
Don’t ask me why I didn’t do anything, because I honestly don’t know. Don’t ask me why I should have changed things weeks ago, because I should have. Don’t ask me why I haven’t been successful, because sometimes I question success too. Don’t ask me why I am frustrated, because I know the reason – it’s just hard to admit when you screwed up. But I did. I screwed up.
I let many people down.
I let AHS down.
I let my students down.
I let Anne and Kristin down.
I let myself down.
So there you have it: A classroom, a life, an individual out of control and at rock bottom.
I guess I could sit here, walk around all depressed like, and eat bon bons all day. I could question the type of teacher that I am. Do I really give good feedback? Do the students really respond well to my instruction? Do they really enjoy having me in the classroom? I’m not going to lie, but the thought crossed my mind once or twice: Am I really meant to be a teacher?
Maybe that’s pushing it a little far, but right now I’m frustrated. I’ve had bad days before, but nothing like this. There is nothing like being overwhelmed, stressed out, overly tired, and feeling like I am drowning in my own mess - Especially when it is a mess that I am responsible for, a mess that I created, and a mess that I need to clean up.
I was thinking on the way home, how do I turn this around? How do I not let myself down? How do I not let Anne and Kristin down? How do I not let AHS down? And most of all, how do I not let my students down?
Then I figured out that if I’m at the bottom, then there really is only one way to go – up. So here’s the plan. I work harder, but I work smarter:
1.) I take care of myself. The best teacher with the best lesson plans and best students is not effective on four hours of sleep and no exercise in the last two weeks. I need to, not have to or should, but I need to take care of myself.
2.) Students come first. It comes before soccer, it comes before skiing on the weekend, it comes before hanging out, it comes before other e-mail accounts, and it comes before time spent in idle hours (which has not happened, nor do I perceive it happening). The students are why I am here. The students are the focus. Not the soccer, not the technology, not the crazy lesson I had planned – but the students. I will admit that I have not put students first, but I need to be better at it.
3.) There needs to be a balance. A balance between grading and planning, a balance between content and conversation, a balance between school and soccer, and a balance between home and school. I need to find time for everything, but what that looks like I’m still trying to figure out.
4.) Finally, I need to stop making excuses and get out there and do something about it. I am tired of being treated like a student teacher – taken advantage of at all points – But I have no one, and I mean no one, to blame but myself. Anne and Kristin have done everything in their power and more. Now it’s up to me. I need to step up and I have no choice.
It’s not going to be easy, but I want to succeed. I want to be happy. I want to live up to my standards. I want to live up to others’ standards. I want to live up to the educational standard that I would want my kids’ to have in the classroom. I want to start providing that, starting tomorrow. No more old Randon, no more pathetic, nice, I’ll let you do anything, push me some more and I’ll give you more Randon, no more. Student teaching is learning and I have learned, I have reached the bottom, but now I have six weeks to fix it.
It’s my job, my duty, my role, and my utmost responsibility to change this. So tomorrow a new ball game starts. Tomorrow, the ball is back in my court. Tomorrow, I hold the control. Tomorrow, I stay fast to my rule. Tomorrow, I let them know that I screwed up, but that I am learning and that their behavior is not acceptable. It’s my fault that I haven’t done anything about it, and I understand that, but what’s done is done. It’s over. I can’t dwell there. I have six weeks. Six weeks to turn around a chaotic classroom, an unengaged classroom, a whiny classroom, and a chatty classroom. I don’t have options and I don’t have time. It my back against the wall and it has got to be done. So I have no choice. No other choice, but to turn it around.
The bottom is not fun, so it’s time to get out. Tomorrow the change begins.
So what will I do?
I think it starts from within. I need to be ready to put the hammer down. It is no longer Mr. Nice guy. It is Mr. Teacher, a respected individual who will take action when necessary:
- If a student is causing an issue in class (talking while I am talking, talking while another student is talking, talking across the classroom, or getting out of there seat) they will receive one warning. They might get moved, they might not – it doesn’t really matter, but they will receive a warning.
- If a student continues their behavior I will kick them out of class, talk to them, and then call their parents. I have to stop being nice and start taking control.
- Finally if a student is still being a disruption in class and I have to kick him or her out of class a second time, it does not matter when they were kicked out the first time, but they are then getting a referral filled out on their behalf for their actions and their parents are being called.
I can climb out of the bottom one step, one period, and one interaction at a time. So it begins: the battle for education, the battle for control, the battle for a good environment, and the battle for effective education. I can have all the other pieces in place, but if I don’t have the classroom management piece, it is all worthless.
I don’t think you can truly define the bottom until you’ve gotten there. I think I’m there. Although, the good part of this story is that it is not over yet. I have fifty-nine minutes tomorrow, fifty-nine minutes the next day, and fifty-nine minutes the day after that. But it starts with me making the changes, getting a grip, and doing something about these words and the words that have been spoken to my cooperating teachers and to others.
None of this means anything unless I put my mouth and my actions where my words are. If I can really get out of the bottom – and soon.
11 comments:
Hello, I am a student teacher as well right now in a physics classroom. The classroom management technique that works well for my CT and I is the following. Every time a student talks over me, or does something against classroom rules I fine that student minutes. 5 min for talking, 8 minutes for walking around. These minutes need to be served. Every day that minutes aren't served they double. To serve these minutes student needs to show up before school or during lunch and do something for you for 5 min. Such as make your copies, put away supplies, tutor another student etc. Works pretty well, and its beneficial on my end of things
Randon - I could have written this post. I too am having trouble with talking but it's my first week and it's possible it might work out - it was better today.
I am at rock bottom because I have to choose between my students and my grad level education courses. My professors have given us four huge assignments that we are supposed to be working on concurrent with student teaching plus taking classes. I will not be able to do well at both grad school and teaching so I will have to do less than my best for my grad school courses because I too feel that I owe those kids my best.
I got home from class tonight - spent two hours reflecting on today and planning for tomorrow - now I will go to bed at midnight and the alarm will go off in five and a half hours. I will be tired. I will not have exercised in five days. :::sigh:::
The true irony is that I am a science teacher and one of my own children may not get to participate in the science fair this year because I did not sign the paper in time.
Randon, you're in a tough position and it is so hard when it gets to that point. There have been times when I have gone home and cried, I've been so frustrated and feeling exactly as you've described.
You've got a great attitude though, you've got a plan - and trust me that's better than some teachers out there.
It's going to be a hard transition with your classes - I highly recommend the following mantra from "The Patriot", "Stay the course..." I'm working with some first year teachers who are reaching the same conclusion about their classes at the moment and the truth is they're having to find their inner tough guy.
About the balance - this is the hardest thing to find as a teacher. I'm fanatical about not missing my Taekwondo training sessions, but at the same time I can spend hours of my weekends working on things. It's about figuring out your priorities - and being flexible. There are weeks when I have to miss a training session, but the next week I'm right back there on the floor in my uniform.
Good luck, I honestly look forward to reading your reflections.
Hi Randon,
If every teacher was honest, everyone would admit that they had been in the same place you are-- just so you know you are not alone-- There are many teachers for whom its a common challenge--
Don't beat yourself up too badly and don't get stuck in a hole-- it's far too easy to do; I know from personal experience.
This is too late for your first new beginning-- but I'm thinking that one key to changing the climate of your classroom is consistency. That's the hardest part of it all in my opinion. You have to stay with it and follow through all the time.
You're really seeing all this as a battle and I do understand that-- I do! I'm wondering if looking at it from the perspective of an opportunity, of a possibility might make some difference. This comes from my reading of "The Art Of Possibility" when I was really down about this time of year facing serious challenges. I know you have no time to read this book now (maybe summer?) but I've become a firm believer that mindset greatly impacts outcomes.
My other thought is about the notion of control and putting the hammer down. Isn't this about student responsibility and control of their own actions too? This is not all on you, although you carry responsibility for maintaining a learning environment. What if you approached this from an Alfie Kohn perspective (the title of his book Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community) and asked your classes about what behaviors are needed to support an environment for learning. What if they helped to develop the plan that would guide them when the environment began to break down? Might that give them some ownership of responsibility? Could that work as a possibility?
Anne said in one of her posts that you're a "natural" when it comes to teaching. And I know from your posts that you really believe in opportunities to change the world. This is one, one opportunity with possibilities for real change. You're absolutely correct-- it's not a good place to be, not at all. It's likely the most difficult challenge you've faced. And the change won't come easily and it will likely be one step forward and then back over the course of the next few weeks. But you can change your world, I know it! And in that change, you can be Randon, you don't always have to have it all together, you can enjoy your students and they can appreciate you for who you are.
Take good care, get some sleep and carry on!!
My very best wishes,
Lani
Randon-
Did your ed school require a classroom mgmt course? Try some of these books for help & inspiration:
How to Talk so Kids Will Learn
The First Days of School
Marvin Marshall's Discipline w/o Stress tips: http://www.marvinmarshall.com/
You can do it! Developing rapport and understanding with your classes is much harder than teaching the content, but it can be learned. Don't skip out on taking care of yourself, but there are times when you may need to cut back a bit.
If your friends are true friends, they'll understand that your focus is elsewhere for a few weeks. (You've only got 6 weeks or so left and you'll be acing this stuff by the end.)
Good teachers get jobs. Be a better teacher and you won't worry about that as much.
Um, no advice on soccer, sorry.
Now, the secret, sleep. I don't care if you have to go to bed at 8pm for a week - do it!
btw-Nice meeting you @colearning!
I think this is all part of becoming the teacher you want to be. You have good days and you have days when you realize things aren't going well--days that you realize you are not doing all you can for your students. You reflect and you create a plan to change things. As a teacher of 20+years, I have hit these reflective days many times in my career. They are exhausting but I have grown the most when I have been forced to reflect and rethink. Usually my best learning comes from this if I let it. Good lucky tomorrow! It is never as easy as the plan but kids are smart and they know sincerity.
A great post- an honest teacher's reflection.
Randon,
Fellow Wartburg grad and educator here. Your honest reflection is the first step. Prepare yourself for backlash but stick to your plan. I almost quit 2 weeks before graduating because I felt I was at the bottom. The best advice I got from a very veteran teacher was to give myself 4 years. At that point you seem to hit another level of understanding about what your job is, what you still need to work on, and what you still need to learn. Another step up comes about 5 years later. You might want to look into the idea of "deliberate practice". Search for deliberate practice and Geoff Colvin and you should find a couple of great articles by him. He has also written a book. I think the ideas of practice can be applied to learning classroom management just as they are to sports and music.
We've all been there and are willing to help you climb out!
Randon:
I am also a veteran teacher and Wartburg grad. In my years of teaching, the student teachers I worried most about were those who DIDN'T realize there was a problem. The ones who showed the greatest concern about their skills, techniques, etc, were the ones who showed the greatest promise for becoming a successful teacher.
Every teacher, veteran or not, has been where you are. There are still days (sometimes weeks and months) where I feel I should be reimbursing the school for my paycheck because I felt as though I accomplished not one of my goals. You've already taken the first great step - acknowledged the problem and developed a plan for a solution.
Here is one thing that has worked for me over the years with classroom management. I say to the disrupting student - "Your actions are preventing your classmates from learning and preventing me from teaching. I can not allow this. You need to change the behavior or leave the room so the other 24 people in here can learn." There have been years that I've said it so much I actually heard a student turn to a fellow classmate and say, "Dude, you're preventing me from learning. Now shut up."
Hang in there and stick to your plan. Persistence is the key to overcoming resistance!
Best of luck!
Hi Randon!
Mrs. Whitney here! I am subbing today (Brit. Lit. right now) for J. Atkinson. I still have my school e-mail account, so I saw a notice about your blog. Like others who have commented, I have been to the mountain top of teaching, but I have also been straight down to its pits, especially my first year. My student teaching experience was actually a good one. THEN my first year of teaching, reality came crashing down. I attempted to educate (merely manhandle??) six sections of low ability readers and writers. I found out a few years later that they almost terminated my contract after my first year! But that first year sent me straight back to UNI's graduate secondary reading program, and the rest is history. That sent me in a slightly different teaching direction that was a much better fit for me. I also started teaching a different age group--also a much better fit.
Randon, you are such a mult-talented young man! There are so many different "directions" in education that you could examine. And like a good relationship, although there may still be challenges, stresses, and upsets, a good fit can bring balance and completeness to an educator's life. You know how we talked about that English teaching can be particularly demanding ( papers! papers! papers!), so it can really cut into a person's time. That's just the way it is--especially at the secondary level.
Well, that's all for now, but I have to tell you sometime what I'm "educationally" doing now that is such a perfect fit for me that I almost wish I was starting my career all over again!
Hang in there,
Mrs. Whitney
Randon,
Others have written sage advice. Mandie's is probably the best. Since I have known you you have been your own harshest critic. Mandie is right - usually those who need to reflect the most are clueless. Knowing what needs to be improved is the first step.
You are very brave to lay this all out for all of us to see. I admire you for that.
TyAnn
Hey... I am a teacher, and could completely relate to your entry. But, rather than offering advice that it seems you don't necessarily need - you have some very clear thoughts on what you need to do, and you said it yourself, taking care of you is the first step, so follow your gut... but, what I really want to know is: How was the rest of your week???? I find that for myself, when I am writing, I can get into these very inspiring moments, but to stick to them when I finish a post, or put down my pen is a whole different ball game. I hope you have spent this week taking time for you - exercise, sleep, and getting to a place that means balance for you! Best wishes... jen.
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